Saturday, April 14, 2007

#6 - I'm feeling ya

This is quite possibly the coolest thing I have read in a long time.
By Mr John Mayer himself.

Often times when staring out into space, those around me will ask me if I am okay, or inquire as to what I am thinking about. (I've always found the question "what are you thinking about?" to be one of the most invasive moves of all time.) I usually try and avoid the truth and discourage being asked again by answering with something like "I was just thinking about what you look like with an axe through your head, Tom", but most of the time, I'm thinking about my brilliant theory.

My brilliant theory is simple in its explanation, but quickly blossoms into a flora of interpretation, much like the game Othello. By understanding my theory, we can move towards a better understanding of ourselves and the world around us. Its tenets will have impact not only in the area of personal growth but also that of business, athletics, and in some cases, non-violent pillaging.

This theory will spawn a book, which will be emblazoned with a two word title. These two words will be stacked one atop the other, and will use a very costly prismatic de-bossing effect to dazzle the eye. My name will share roughly the bottom half of the book cover, with a band of text at the bottom to round things out. This text will be a testimonial from a well respected peer and will read something to the effect of "a compelling and empowering page-turner that musn't be missed. - Chuck Yeager."

Because I will have blazed the trail on this theory, I will be free to name many sub-structures of my theory. Phrases like "Mind Fingering", "The 'Say, Say, Say' Effect" and "Dramastic Change" will enter the flow of our cultural lexicon, where they will stay for several months.
This theory will dramastically reconfigure our social hierarchy. Using the workbook appendix in the back of the book, Americans will redefine who they look up to; the entertainers they enjoy, and the political leaders they choose.

This theory will be in constant danger of being undermined by those who feel it is a narrow-minded and foolhearty aberration of pop psychology. I will take to the cable news discussion circuit, where upon defending my point of view I will make Nancy Grace weep. Bill O'Reilly will end production of his show after realizing that the debate has brought chapter eight of my book to life. I will unpin the microphone from my sweater and spend the remainder of the night abusing alcohol. (Chapter ten.)

I have all these plans in place; I'm just working on just what in the hell my theory is. So please don't bother me when I'm looking out into space, because you could be taking my mind off what just might save humanity as we know it.

With Ease,
John Mayer, Esq.

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